I don’t really know how am I going to start today’s entry. You know that my mom passed away a few months ago, 5 months on the 28th to be exact. The pain is still there and I would forever mourn because I lost my mom. She is my only one. However, the pain of losing her gets lighter or lesser each day but then the wound regains its pain whenever I go through something or when I want to tell something good or something bad to her. It’s hard… It’s really really hard.
Just this morning, I turned on our desktop computer because that’s what I do almost every day, so that when I leave home for work, Nathan could use it and won’t whine while I’m away and my dad looks after him while Rhey is on his way home. I saw a folder with a few pictures of my mom, I think that’s what my brother (Bojie) used for the necrological service.
I opened it and there I saw lots of pictures of my mom during her happy times. One of the pictures I saw there was, she was on her wheel chair and Nathan was on his stroller. Mom was holding a plastic bag with food that she would give Dad from a children’s party we attended… then everything flashed back… Whenever she’s out for a prayer meeting or would pray for a departed person, she would bring home something for me, for Dad, for Rhey or for Nathan. It could be pieces of candies, a pack of biscuit or a pack of food, whatever what had been served to them. She would get something for us. That’s when I realized how thoughtful she was. After that I went to the bathroom and burst a good cry. I shook my head while I cried. (I’m still crying while typing here). I whispered, “Sana nakikita mo ako ngayon, sana nandito ka, sana naririnig mo ako… miss na miss na kita.” [translation: I wish you could see me, I wish you were here, I wish you could hear me… I miss you so much”].
It was almost 12 noon, so I had to get out of the bathroom to bathe Nathan, when I was in the kitchen I saw a bee flying around our chandelier (what a coincidence! I believe that insects like butterflies, dragonflies and bees are our departed ones, just like when I saw a lot of butterflies and dragonflies at home during my mom’s wake, after we took her on her final resting place, we seldom see butterflies, dragonflies and bees at home). I just smiled… but then I somehow ignored it and just told myself that it was just there, it just went inside the house and stayed on the chandelier.
I took a shower and head out to our room upstairs and fix myself. When I went down to the kitchen where I usually comb my hair, I heard the “beezzz, beezz”. I thought it was our electricity that has a problem but it was the bee. I had a second thought. Would it be my mom and just used the bee to remind me that she is always there for me, that she never left me alone as she had promised me years ago when she was almost dying? She told me ” Beh, hindi kita pababayaan”.
It was time to leave the house, it was already 12:29pm, the alarm on my mobile phone rung. Nathan went out and went inside a tricycle that was parked in front of the house and Dad followed him, I picked up my backpack, my lunch bag and the plastic bags full of Rhey’s documents, Would you believe that the bee went out as well, a head of me?! I couldn’t remember if I turned the chandelier off that’s why the bee went out or it really went out. I mean, the bee could just fly up to the second floor where it could fly high and freely and get out through the balcony, but it went out of the door a head of me.
Anyway, if it was mom using the bee. I would be happy. She listens to me, she still cares for me, she never left me alone. She is still with us. By the way, according to my Dad, when my older brother and his family went to our house last Sunday, my two year old niece saw my mom, she even waved goodbye to her grandma. My two year old niece have seen my mom several times already, First during her wake, second when we took my mom to the church before we head to the cemetery, third a few days after the interment and fourth was last Sunday.
Why am I saying this? because I just miss my mom. I’m just going through a financial problem these days, thinking of the utility bills, my son’s tuition fee, a diminutive incentives that affected my salary. She was my shock absorber. No one listens to me the way she did. No one prayed for me the way she did. She laughed with me, she cried with me. She shared everything with me.
But you know… I know she is there for us.
Bambhie misses her mom soooo much 😦
However, we have to move on… Life is beautiful. Our mom wants us to enjoy it, just as much as she did.
(ctto of the photos)